It's nearly Christmas. Well, according to the TV it has been Christmas for weeks. But it's nearly actual Christmas. I've had a bad day. I feel as though I could never do any art ever again because I feel horrible and wrong. I'm not a very cool or edgy artist so I can only do good art when I feel nice inside. I just made a value judgement on what is good art.
Then I remembered my contemporary art performance project. Everything I do at the moment is art whether it is or isn't. I wake up crying and alone in a Godless universe, it's art. I drop my gluten free toast, it's art. I apply for 33 jobs in a day and ritually log them in my booklet, it's art. Since leaving University where I learned about contemporary performance art projects I've been conducting a contemporary performance art project. Think I've gone too far into postmodern irony tho. Everything seems like a joke now. What is art and what is not art. What is good and what is not good. Subjectivity, absurdity, meaninglessnessess. Oh, god.
It's not going very well. In fact it's going bad. But the thing about this kind of art is the worse it goes the better it actually goes. So many levels of irony. That's the weird thing about contemporary performance art. I began to plan this project in the second year of my contemporary fine art degree.
Then I decided not to plan it, to just let it happen. I've told a couple of people about it but they always think it's a joke. So do I sometimes. It doesn't bear scrutiny. It just is. It's just stupid and futile. Like life. Or mine at least. Boo fucking hoo.
I don't think this project will go anywhere. But that's not the point. No, wait, that is the point. I don't know. Oh, I'm so lost. I could make it go somewhere by acting like a loud dick like that YBA Artist Taxi Driver bloke. But I can't be bothered. The system has won and I just want it to be over. But it's never over, is it? So I'm just letting it happen to me, that's all. And when it feels right I'll make some proper art about it so that people can look at it and say, Wow that's really clever. That's really real. And I'll feel fulfilled for a day or two as I plan my next piece. Then after a few years I'll die. And everything will be cool again like it was before I was born.
I wanted to shout and scream today and say rude things about the nasty politicians in Westminster who are destroying people's lives. I hate them all so much. I wanted to do a youtube like that. But then I remembered about the new anti-terror laws and decided not to. I just punched my steering wheel at the traffic lights instead and said a swear word. The man in the car next to me was smiling at me.
Everything seems impossible after today. But that means it's real now. It can only mean something if you feel it, right? When the stakes are genuinely high. I'm poor but I'm real. Real poor. Merry Christmas.
I wrote that on Friday and decided it was too stupid. But now it seems perfect. Perfectly stupid. Like that sentence. Like everything. I've done one drawing in a couple of months. It's been impossible. The only way I can work is alone with no disturbances. I was hoping to get down to it before Christmas but the Job Centre has "sanctioned" me and stopped my money for accidentally missing an appointment. Then I began having constant migraines and now I'm all spaced and can hardly see.
But I'm still fired up. Still full of ideas and a drive to realise them. Still believe my work is valid and that it may someday pay my bills so that I can keep making more (art, not bills). I'll start drawing and hopefully painting again in the new year... 2017, Hull's year as city of culture. I'm totally wiped out tho. I've had to gut my friend's house, board out my loft, work full time and cope with a health condition and it was too much. I could rattle off a whole list of shit that I've dealt with in the past few weeks but I don't want to sound like I'm whinging. Nobody likes a whinging artist. Or a whinging bricklayer for that matter. I'm just exhausted, physically and spiritually. 2016 has been kinda bad for most so a little whinge is permitted.
Haven't had a migraine today and my vision is improving. It's getting easier to look at things. I've planned a new drawing. I've been planning it for weeks. Well, I have been planning a few works for weeks, all of them spanning three different projects. I've convinced myself that one of them, a signature painting for my unnamed performance art project, is going to be very special. I'm not one for making glib New Year resolutions, but my life has to change in 2017. 2017: The year of glib proclamations and empty gestures. And our year as the City of Culture! YEAH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT! Damn, glib is such a COOL WORD.